Feeling Raw

These past few days have been a little difficult. Have you ever noticed that when you want something so badly, everyone else seems to have it? And everytime you turn around it smacks you in the face? Well everytime I turn around it seems as there is another happy couple right there, laughing at me. Now I know they probably aren't laughing at me, but it feels like it. I am just missing him so much right now. I know I should be so excited that we are less than 2 months away. But does anyone else feel like 2 months is still a long time? I know I can do it, it just sucks. I am tired. I am tired of being a "single" mom, I am tired of being responsible for everything, I am tired of feeling all alone in a room full of people.

I have found through writing this blog I am able to get a lot more out than I would if someone asked me how I was doing. In fact, most of the time I tell everyone I am doing ok...and inside I am screaming "I can't take it anymore". Truth is, I never will let it all out verbally. I don't want someone to see how raw my emotions are right now. It is a lot easier to keep the facade of getting through this just fine and dandy if no one else sees me cry.

This weekend I experienced the skin hunger stronger than I have this entire deployment. I felt this physical sensation in the places that Eric would hold me. And it was almost painful it was so strong. Nothing helps, it just has to go away. So instead of just having emotions, I was now feeling a physical pain with this.

I guess my lesson this weekend was that I didn't marry the one I could live with...I married the one I can't live without.